How the Relational Life Therapy Model Works
Why the Relational Life Therapy Model Changed My Career as a Therapist
Most of us, on a good day, know how to communicate with our partner. How to listen, advocate for our needs, and connect. The problem is, we all have days or moments when we’re stressed or overwhelmed, or as Relational Life Therapy (RLT) calls it, "Whooshed." When we're whooshed, most of our brain goes offline and we can't show up relationally.
The beauty of the Relational Life Therapy model is that it helps you and your partner identify the dance you do on a bad day. You know how you both respond when you're overwhelmed and WHY you react that way. Relational Life Therapy is designed to help you learn how to get your whole brain back online so you can show up and connect. While other therapy models focus on the wounded child or the young child, Relational Life Therapy (RLT) looks at how we coped WHEN we were wounded. In other words, not just why/how you were hurt, but how that pain forced you to adapt and how it shaped you.
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For example, in your home, you might have been hurt, and conflict was messy, so you learn to withdraw and not engage
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Or your family might have been violent, so you learned to fight fire with fire
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Or your parents expected too much of you, so you default to 'one-upping' (see top-right of the grid)
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What I love about this model is that while it's humbling, our coping mechanisms are normalized. Sometimes your adaptive child will hate your partner and that's okay. Sometimes, you will default to arrogance or grandiosity when you’re hurt because it feels good to be right, and that’s normal.
The goal is for you and your partner to 'come down' or 'come up' (if we're shame-based) to the center of health while also loving the parts of yourself that are just trying to survive. This combined approach blew me away.
So, I decided to change my entire focus as a therapist to RLT because I wanted to help people, especially couples, experience this freedom.
How RLT Works: Connect, Don't Protect
The first phase in Relational Life Living Therapy is the data-gathering phase. We unpack the 'bad day dance' and WHY you both have the reactions that you do.
We dig into your and your partner's families of origin and unpack your adaptive child strategies. Once we've done that work, we know what you and your partner do when you're overwhelmed or stressed.
I love the analogy that when we're whooshed, we pull at the 'knot,' at the discord between you. The problem is we’re trying to protect ourselves instead of trying to connect, and it just makes the knot worse. But when you connect, you can get untangled.
In the final phase, we build the missing skills that you and your partner need. Usually, these are the competencies your parents didn't teach you or weren't modeled. Once you have them, you’re both able to stop the dance, sidestep your knee-jerk response, and function in your 'wise adult' even when things are hard, or you’re whooshed.
Your Core Negative Image (CNI)
Everyone in a long-term relationship has a Core Negative Image (CNI) about their partner. Your CNI is an exaggerated version of them at their worst. For example, maybe you think they're critical, demanding, and controlling. The problem is that our partners also have a CNI about us. And the two tend to feed off of each other.
For example, they think you're irresponsible, selfish, and can't be counted on. So every time you do something that aligns with the CNI, it reinforces and vice-versa. You forget to buy milk on the way home, and your partner gets mad, thinking there you go, only caring about yourself. So they yell at you, and you think, there they go, he’s being demanding and unreasonable again.
But powerful things happen when we identify and name these CNIs. A. we normalize that we all have them. B. Learn how we most frustrate our partners. C. We learn how to 'bust' our partners' CNI by doing things that contradict it.
I love Relational Life Therapy tools like the CNI because they highlight a surprising truth about relationships: everyone cycles through Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair.
